There's no real reason I should be feeling so unsettled and anxious, but I do. Which is frustrating, because I've come to count on being able to dissect my own emotions and lay them out on the table.
Sometimes the need to write is a physical ache that I can't ignore, like now, even when I'm not sure what it is my psyche wants me to say. I always think that if I just type long enough, let it all bubble like a stew in a cauldron, talk nonsense if I have to, that something important will rise to the surface and let me rest.
There's this thing at work now. We have this outside consulting company coming in to, well, consult on how we can all do our jobs better, how we can be a better team, and ultimately make satisfied and loyal customers.
The problem, of course, is that I have never been a good corporate bunny. We did a couple little group "exercises" in our weekly meeting today to illustrate the importance of employee satisfaction on gaining and maintaining customer loyalty. As in, "A Happy Employee Makes a Happy Customer" kind of bullshit. And I say bullshit because this little exercise is only the first in a long line of exercises and other new changes and responsibilities that will be expected of all of us.
What the owner doesn't seem to realize is that we don't go to work for the fun of it. We go to work because we need the money. The god's honest truth is if the economy weren't so piss-poor and jobs hard to come by, we'd all probably work somewhere else. And I would for damn sure work somewhere else if they paid me what I'm worth. This isn't the type of job you keep because you "believe" in it, like social work or teaching or the Peace Corps, and don't really care about the money. And no matter how much extra work we put in, how good our customer service is, we still get paid the same regardless. I don't get one extra dime by being a better employee, don't get more than a week paid vacation, have no sick days that I don't then have to make up on my next day off. It's frustrating. I'm anticipating a raise of some sort in June or July, but there's no clear idea how much it will be for. And then there's the vacation home in Florida the owner is building that he has to pay for, so the raise I'm expecting will probably reflect his cash-poor balance sheet, no?
Also today, it was announced that a couple people were being sent to Summit, in Puerto Rico. Summit is basically a really posh reward trip for employees who've given exceptional service over the course of several months. Now, I have no argument with the people who were chosen to go. I'm happy for them. The problem is, it feels like a competition that I have almost no chance to win because of the nature of my job itself. In order to win the trip, there has to be a written record of the exceptional service you provide. The only way to get written proof of a good job or a satisfied member is to have it come directly from the members themselves, and they don't write that kind of stuff down, you know? And what fool actually says, "Would you mind writing an e-mail to my boss?" I'm sure there must be some out there who do just that. But not me. I'm to damn busy doing my job to be a sycophant.
Anyway, I guess my point is, it would be nice to be recognized for the fabulous job I do, to be rewarded with a fabulous trip to a tropical island, without having to be a suck-up to do it.
So there, isn't that enough to be unsettled and anxious about?
Now, if someone were to ask me straight out how things were going, I'm the type to say, "they're fine." And while I'm staring them in the face, I believe it, because I would rather be fine than tell anyone that I'm not fine. I would rather keep my issues and problems to myself and work them out on my own than invite someone in to fix them, because honestly if I can't fix it on my own it probably is good enough broken.
Oh crap.
See what happens when you just start typing? The most amazing bits of psychic garbage just come tumbling out.
FUCK!!
Do I really do that to myself? Live with problems that I can't fix because I can't bear to let anyone help?
Yes, yes I do.
There's that lack of trust issue again. But I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to learn to trust when I am constantly proved right in my belief that the vast majority of the human race is untrustworthy. It takes about a month to develop a habit, and twice that long to break a bad one, right? Well how long do you suppose it takes a heart to learn how to open? What needs to happen to make that stick?
I've spent my life building emotional walls, shoring them up, making them thicker, stronger, higher, safer, and aching for someone to break them down. But I don't think it's going to happen. That kind of thing only happens in the best novels, the most heart-rending movies.
Most of the time I'm all right with being alone. I've said this before, I think. Recently.
But I am tired of wondering what the point of all this is. There must be a reason, and end game of some kind, why I started writing this. Or maybe this is the reason. A life-long habit of recording my inner-most thoughts and feelings.
I just don't have the courage to ask the people I care about what it is they like about me. What do they see in me that I don't? Or don't like about me, which most people will admit is the scarier of the two. Few enjoy inviting criticism.
So many reasons to be unsettled. Too much introspection breeds discontent, I think.
I'm afraid to want too much. Don't expect anything, don't get disappointed.
And sometimes you get slapped with disappointment like a blow from behind. I didn't even know I wanted to go on that trip to Puerto Rico. (Duh, who wouldn't?) Still, I didn't expect anything from myself, and I got disappointed, anyway.
Go figure.
Jinx
