All day I've been thinking about writing, but after a first failed attempt this morning, when my mouse mysteriously jumped to the "Back" button when that wasn't what I intended at all, I gave it up as a bad job. But here I am, beginning again.
I guess there must be something my subconscious really wants me to say.
This morning I started by asking the question:
Why do I want a Jaguar so badly?
I've spent the past week so stressed out about my car, and wondering if I should or would have to find a new car, or buy a used car, or lease a car, or just scrap it all and take the bus, should I sell the car I have, or donate it for the tax write-off, and on and on, twisting in knots. And all the random advice, some asked for, some not, that is so very often conflicting. It all makes me feel like I'm out of my depth. I have no ingrained information to attach all these suggestions to, and know so little about cars and buying and financing them that I don't even know for sure what questions to ask, and what the right answer should be if I did know.
On the one hand, my boss thinks I should lease a car. And I have a friend who swears by leasing, since she likes to get a new car every couple years, anyway. My dad, on the other hand, says leasing is a bad idea. Because you just pay and pay and don't end up with anything for your money in the end. He's very big on ownership.
Everyone and their uncle has given me a suggestion on what's wrong with my car, how to fix it, who to take it to for a second opinion, even though I've already spent another $200 just getting the diagnostic and the damn warning lights haven't gone off. William (my car) is going to die, in the near future, and I don't want to be stuck on the side of the highway when it happens. I'd much rather have the choice already made, and the car safely in someone else's hands.
Which brings me to my original question. I have always, always wanted to have a Jaguar. I love their sleek, curvy, muscular lines. They look so much like their namesakes, as if they could shapeshift into a big cat with just a thought. I found one on craigslist today, while I was looking for a used car in my price range (as if I actually have one). Until that moment, I hadn't even considered looking for a Jag as my next car. I'd been so worried about having to find one in the first place, that I'd forgotten to do a little dreaming.
But this dream is in direct conflict with my pragmatic nature. Jaguars have notoriously bad repair and maintenance records, and I can just hear the disgusted groans from my father and brothers. "Why'd you go and get a Jag?" Blah, blah, blah. Still, I know they're at least partially right, even if their voices are only in my head. The last thing I want is to end up with a car that, while aesthetically satisfying, is essentially a money pit. Unreliable. Pretty, with no substance.
But I do so want that car. I am soooooo tempted to call the owner up and buy it, sight undriven. Not that I could take it for a test drive. It's a manual transmission, and I don't know how to drive a stick shift. Not that I couldn't learn, of course. My older brother won't drive anything but a manual, and he'd be more than happy to yell at me while I learn. Once a marine, always a marine, and he channels his drill sergeant really well. I've always been reluctant to learn how to drive a stick shift. I like the ease of driving an automatic. I don't have to worry about burning out the clutch, or wondering what gear I should be in, and I can keep my hands mostly free. But for a Jag, I think I might learn.
My father is leaning towards a Ford Focus, new, direct from the dealer's lot. With a warranty and all. But just the thought of adding another $12,000 to $17,000 to the debt I already owe to various organizations makes my stomach hurt. Much better to get a used car, and not have to pay for the depreciation of just driving it off the lot.
I guess what I want is to just once make a choice based entirely on my own personal desires, and have it also be a good decision that won't came back to bite me on the ass. I want to be excited about the car I choose. I want this car to make a statement, be an expression of who I am. I want the pleasure of choosing not to be overshadowed by the fact that I just can't afford it, anyway.
To this point, every car I've ever owned has been a hand-me-down.
First was Bessie, my parent's Caprice Classic Station Wagon. She was huge, a boat, able to haul 8 to 11 people. I took her with me to college. Had her probably 2 years.
Then there was my Escort, Lily. I never even got the chance to drive her, since she got totaled in an accident. My father was driving her to school to pick up my younger brother, and got schmucked coming out of the parking lot by the wife of the teacher who ran the planetarium.
Then, there was Basil, the Dim-Wit King. A dark purple-ish/brown-ish 92' Ford Taurus that my father found after he killed Lily. I had him for several years, as well. I called him the Dim-Wit King, one to remind me of his license plate letters, and two, because like the car I have now, I kept having to take him in for repairs every six months or so.
And now there's William, or rather, Will Scarlet, my red 96' Ford Taurus. He was my mother's car, until they bought a new one a few years ago. He came to me already named Scarlet, because my mother's favorite color is red. But I knew he was a boy, whatever she thought, and since I couldn't just rename him, I gave him a new identity as one of Robin Hoods merry men. Or his younger brother, if you believe a certain movie. And now he's dying, slowly giving up the ghost, as it were.
So now I am in the unfamiliar position of being able to choose my own car, rather than just take what my parents pick for me. I could get whatever I want. I never minded letting them pick out my cars for me, don't get me wrong. As I said, this is terrifyingly unfamiliar territory, choosing a vehicle, and if my dad says a car is a good bet, I tend to believe him. But this time, I can get what I want. And in 30 years, when people talk about their first cars, I could say the first car I ever chose for myself was a...
All day long, I've been in this quandary. I know if I don't act quickly, the car I've got my eye on will disappear. That is the nature of the used car business. And the one I found is a beauty...
But I just don't know if it would be a good idea. What kind of gas mileage does a Jag get? What are the odds that I'll have to start shelling out more money for repairs in the near future? But what about the regret of a lost opportunity. Will I regret more not taking this chance?
I just don't know.
New car, old car, Jag or Ford or Honda or Camaro or Mustang...
Whatever way you slice it, I'm in a pretty pickle.
Jinx
